| Anger Fucking Management |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|03:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
Dannika sits there she stares at the flood of messages that have been written down for her to take her time in responding to. "Brujah are so fucking stupid," she thinks, as she looks through a few of them. Amused would describe her mood, if that was what it was, but no she sat there staring in annoyance at what had been caused and at the havoc laying before her. She saw clearly, for a breif moment, at the Tremere and thier controling factors and she thought seriously about what Gerhard had told her, that she had broken the oath, two fold. She grumbled and looked at the stack of messages and summoned her ghouls to her. "Bring me my books on demons, get them out of the library and tell them to remain silent or discover what my wrath is." She glared as the ghouls scrambled silently out of the room, and looked at the issues that were needing resolution. Her choices were growing limited and she had a bit of time to make a decision on how to fix this, but not much.
She pondered how best to get rid of the bloodhunt, that was the issue that was predominant. For the most part, those who owed her still did regardless, she was smart to that degree as the boons were not recorded at all, not in the least, she picked up her cell phone and dialed a single number, and frowned as it went into the voice mail of the person she was trying to contact. "Damn it, why the fuck is he never around when one fucking needs him." She slammed down the phone as the ghouls came back into the room. They looked at her, worried, she stared at them, her mood darkening almost as swiftly as the sun sets in the winter time. She watched as they placed the books on her desk and ran off, they had no desire to be near her not with the state of mind she was in and in all honesty she couldn't blame them. |
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| Stupid Tremere |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|07:49 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid my own clan is and can be. This week it's a dumb regent trying to boss around one of my apprentices. Why do they always think that word isn't going to get back to me?
Aside from that there's this whole thing with the Tzim's. I'm starting to seriously like thier offer to come join them. The thought is there and it's lingering. The fact that they haven't tried to kill me is also there. I'm not sure what to make of it exactly.
I'm suppose to go into St. Louis this weekend to speak with Mae in person. This is something I should have done over a month ago, but am just now getting around to it.
Sullivan Dane is making waves and Q is dead along with a brujah archon. Perhaps there's an opening now for an archon with one of them having died. Still not sure which way exactly to go however, far too many choices. |
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| Stupid Assamites |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|10:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
What's with the Assamites and now suddenly claiming to be malkavians - er did they miss the memo that they were suppose to renounce thier clans not just be adopted into another? |
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| Penance |
[Jul. 31st, 2004|07:06 pm] |
She finally stopped screaming and pulled it together. For a breif moment she looked around and all the pain and torment at the moment had stopped, he wasn't there, he wasn't in her mind, at least not at the minute, the world had at last gone silent and with it so did she. She crawled out from under the place she was hiding and went to work, swiftly, silently, not wishing to alert anyone that she was trying to cast. She wanted to get out of there and to some place, safe. She hesitated briefly. She glanced at the mirror, a million thoughts ran through her mind all at once, none of them focusing on him, none of them focusing on anything other then getting out of there and going any place other then where she currently was.
Her mind for a few moments seemed to have given her a reprieve, or he did. She wasn't sure any more which one it was, she tried to tell herself it was simply memories, but she glanced at her arm, she simply wasn't sure any more. Something, was horribly wrong. Her mind tried to peice it together frantically, it clutched at straws, not making much sense out of the on going fiasco. She looked around, and struggled for a moment to try to get a grasp upon reality but even that seemed to be fleeting.
She heard something, a small voice in the back of her mind. "This isn't right," it said. Then suddenly she felt the imposing presence being pushed within her mind, she looked up, and she felt him, she didn't have to see him anymore to know he was there. Her heart dropped within her chest and she frantically attempted to get back under the desk for cover, for protection, she felt his hand on her hair, stopping her with a sharp cruel tug, and she froze. She growled slightly, and pulled all her anger and fear and hate deep within herself consuming it, letting it fuel her.
She bowed to him, as gracefully as she could as he held tight to her hair. He sneered, "Going somewhere?" She shook her head no, adamently that she was not, his hands and fingers intertwined with her hair, ripping at it, she was frozen unless she saught to damage herself. He raised her head to be able to look into his eyes, they were dark and she growled.
"Leave me be!" She screamed at him, hoping that it would make him go away, only she felt the familiar heat as it rose around her, kissing her legs, grasping her and she started to struggle away from him.
"You, childe, have no right to ask me for anything, you have disappointed me, and it is time you learned your lesson." She stumbled back in fear overwhelmed by her own cowardice. She swallowed, the action it's self was unnecessary, but she pushed away from him and began to attack back with her own flames, her own fear, she tried to move him, yet, she was powerless against him and she knew it. She tried to push her will over his will as it coursed through her body, and he threw her against the wall. He forced her upon her knees and whispered to her, "you will do as I command childe, you have no choice in the matter."
She glared at him, hoping to escape, wanting to escape, and he walked up to her, ignoring her fire this time, it was as if it didn't touch him, as if she couldn't touch him. She struggled in her mind, and the voices came, "You can't stop him, this is what you asked for, you choose to read that book, you choose to accept it, and now, you will pay for such." She reeled back, and stared at him.
"M'lord, I am yours, I would never forsake you." she swallowed what was left of her pride and buried herself deep within her own darkness, hoping to appease him, to gain a few hours of reprieve from these horrors which he masked. He walked up to her, and gently, tenderly stroked her cheek, before he slapped her accross the face.
"Do not lie to me, childe, your damage has already caused me much pain and suffering." She lowered her head. Being forced to recall her betrayal of him, her betrayal of the others. She struggled to find a reason behind why she did such, and the room suddenly began to swirl in darkness. She watched as it suddenly turned against her, against what had already been, against what was transpiring. And most of all, against her soul. She was not innocent, her crimes against the infernal were just as numberous as her crimes against humanity. He laughed and looked at her, "You can not be forgiven, you will never be forgiven. You have choosen to serve a new master, and that master will see you dead in your betrayals."
She lowered her head, in shame, in fear. "Yes, m'lord, you are right." She struggled to be allowed to survive yet another night. Hoping that he would take his time in his newest torment of her. She shivered, even as his fire gently kissed at her body, she could feel his heat rising around her, and she passed out from the fear of burning.
She lost control. She could no longer control her fear and it consumed her. She frenzied in the room, and ripped it to shreds, prior to going back to work on the circle she was building. "I have to get out of here." Those were the only thoughts that lingered upon her mind. |
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| Continuence |
[Jul. 30th, 2004|08:28 pm] |
*Dannika lays there, still screaming at the top of her lungs, as memories flood into her mind. Things she had wished forgotten, things she wished stayed lost. Instead, now, when she was at her weakest, the rushed forward and sufficated her. She was stuck, reliving the past regardless of what the future held. At once, she had thought to make it stop, to force it to go away, now she knew, she couldn't stop it, and she was completely horrified at this thought.*
She walked into his office, her head lowered, kneeling before him, she watched his expression, knowing she had displeased him and she would be punished. She glanced at his hands as he walked up to her, and touched her, gently. "Why won't you simply learn, my childe?" He asked, she started to answer him, "Silence, I have not given you permission to speak, have I?" She stared at him as he yelled at her and simply shook her head no, she was spellbound to him, she stared deeply into his eyes as his mind wrapped around hers. She knew he was trying to control her and she couldn't stop him. She felt the heat of his anger rise within him and she saw him as he touched her chin and raised her off of the ground as if she was little more then a rag doll.
Fear shook through her body, she had to control it, she told herself, that she had to control her fear. But it was consuming her and he smiled at her. "You are still afraid of me," he sneered at her, disgusted at the thought that she held onto such fear, "what have you done that you should fear me now?" She stared into his eyes, wanting to answer him, and he ripped into her mind, he wasn't kind or gentle about it. He simply did such and did it with a viciousness that caused pain to course throughout her body. She bit back the pain, the torment that she felt. She tried to not let the pain show on her face, but he knew, he felt it as it coursed through her body and he threw her across the room, disgusted with her and her lack of control.
"You never learn do you?" He glared at her, inviting her to fight back, inviting her to ask for more pain to come to crumple her already broken body and spirit. "I told you before not to trust others, you made friends, and now you will yet again learn this lesson."
He walked towards her and lifted her up, and threw her out of the room, until he forced her to her room again, he told her in her mind that she would fix this and that she would kill those she dared to think of as her friends. She shook, trying to convince herself this was all a horrid nightmare, that it was going to stop, that it had to stop. The voices came from around her, "It's not going to stop until I decide it's time for it to stop." She shook, horror being the only thing she could see and it's thick heaviness, carressing her as if it was the only thing that would bring her comfort. She felt the searing pain course through her body as he pushed his way into her mind again, and told her, "When you have done what you were suppose to have accomplished, perhaps I will go away."
"It's not real, it's not real, it's not real..." She repeated over and over again to herself, trying to make herself believe it.
He glared at her, "not real?" He picked her up again and she felt the bones in her arm shatter as he grabbed her so hard that it didn't take much at all to inflict such damage, again she screamed in pain, twisting as her arm was held so tightly, attempting to fight him to get away. "What is so not real?"
She glared at him and spat, her anger rising to the surface and he smiled slightly at her. She realized that he'd do far worse then what he had merely done to her arm if she fought against him, and she tried to back way nearly removing her arm at the shoulder for him. She screamed again in pain, and swiftly moved to him, "M'lord, I do not wish to anger you m'lord, but to serve you. I am your servant, nothing more." She was past the point of saying anything to appease him, but she needed to stop this pain so she could think clearly.
*Dannika looked down at her arm, broken and painful and swallowed, still trying to figure out what was real and what was her mind playing tricks on her, her screams never stopped once, even as she healed her arm. She wanted to get away, she needed to get away, but she couldn't escape him or disappear from him. He had her exactly where he wanted her and she was well aware of it. She thought about hiding elsewhere wondering if he'd still find her regardless. |
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| Memories |
[Jul. 30th, 2004|02:52 am] |
Dannika sits in a room, isolated, comfortable. For a few breif moments her existance has returned to the place where she should be, then suddenly her mind replays parts of her past. She remembers being handed bibles to hold as her sire burns them in her hands, to be punished worse if she dropped them. She replays in her mind the memories of his punishments, harsh, unrelenting. Things no one else understood, why she didn't trust others, what she had been taught. She sits in front of a mirror, staring at the reflection of the room behind her, noticing her own lack of such. She looks into it, and tears start to flow down her cheeks. "He's going to do it again, I didn't learn right the first time, he's going to punish me far worse this time around, especially for that last stunt," she thought. Her head lowered as she remembered the scream that sent her sire to hell, and now he had returned, wishing to re-educate her. She felt powerless, fearful. She glanced around the room and knew she couldn't run from him. That he'd find her again. How he found her here was beyond her understanding.
"Escape," she thought, "I must find a way to escape him." She felt a twinge of pain as those words crossed her mind and heard the voice in her head, "Do NOT fight me." She cowered and crumpled to the floor. She couldn't understand what she had done this time to displease him so. She curled up in a ball under the vanity. Her fear starting to consume her, yet he knew, he told her to stop being afraid, to touch it. She knew that touching it would burn her, and yet she knew the pain would be far worse if she disobeyed his words. She did what he said, and lowered her head, not wanting him to be able to control her like this, she stuggled fought against the bonds that held her, she wanted the pain to stop. He smacked her. "Do not TRUST other Kindred EVER," he screamed at her and she felt the heat from where he had just burned her face. She struggled to maintain her composure, it was all she had left.
He took her and told her he was going to re-educate her. She shuddered in fear, knowing his re-education would be far worse then anything the Tremere could ever do to her. He looked at her, she lowered her head to him slightly, still watching him however, knowing that he could easily kill her and she at least wanted to be prepared. The Tremere had removed her defenses against him, and surely his powers had grown where hers had waned. She stared into his eyes, hoping he couldn't read the fear on her face. "Close your eyes," his words caused a shiver to rush through her, she had two choices, to obey him and hope that this lastest punishment for such she'd live through. Or to risk even worse punishment by disobeying his words. She cringed and tried to move back away from him, but something held her there, hostage, she felt the chains around her wrists again, and knew that he would not be so merciful this time if she failed to learn his lessons.
She looked at him, and shook her head breifly then closed her eyes in utter fear. She had to put absolute trust in him, and she hated this feeling of helplessness, of weakness. Most of all she hated how he did this to her, controling her against her own will. He spoke, his words harsh as the fire she was waiting for. It consumed her, controled her, she asked him softly who he wanted summoned. He asked her what she said and again she cringed in fear, for not addressing him properly, the last time she dared to do that to him, when he was in this mood he removed her tongue and threatend to remove her head, before handing his impertuious childe to the Giovanni to be "taught" manners. She swallowed hard, and addressed him again, remembering this time to call him her Lord. He liked that, it amused him, to hear her say that as if she was praying to him, because, she was. Her stomach churned and fear again ripped through her, as she struggled against the thickening darkness that was drowning her.
He told her to listen to him, she did, knowing his pennence for twisting his words, he never told her preciesely what to do or how to behave, insted he told her not to do something and punished her when she obeyed him, or punished her for doing what he wanted, or punished her occassionally for not obeying him. She struggled pushing, seeking that bond that was between them trying to find out what he truly wanted, to see which game they were playing this week. She growled as she couldn't find it. He told her to see him as Nicholas, and again she growled in fustration. To open her eyes, she did such and stared at him and he asked, what do you see, Childe? She cringed, "I see what you want me to see, m'lord." She was waiting for the kiss of his flames to come to her skin, for him to torment her with fire, and her having absolutely no recourse against him. She never did.
She layed there, under the vanity, screaming at the top of her lungs, wanting to go away, wanting it all to go away, but especially him. |
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| What the Fuck!? |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|12:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | irate | ] |
Dannika sits there annoyed to the last bit, she glances at the book that Nicholas gave her and breifly pages through it. "Fucking heretics," she thinks, "why the hell do they always do this stupid shit?" She thumbs through the book hissing at it occassionally then swiftly throws it as if her hands are on fire. She glares at the book, and lets her mind drift breifly then sits down at her computer and types.
Why the hell does everyone seem to think they have a right to change my fucking attitude and opinions of beliefs. You know, never once have I ever tried to push what I believe on others, yet still, they persist telling me I'm falling prey to my beast, falling closer to my own damnation. If it's mine, then what the hell, let it be and have it remain as mine. It's my choice, right? If I want to sell my soul, that's my choice, it's my choice to do with what I please. Yet, still others seem to want to constantly take that choice away from me. Oh you can't do this or that. The Tremere will kill you over this or that, fuck this, the fucking pyramid is falling. It's failing those it was meant to serve it's either exist beyond your own beliefs or fall prey to the failings of others.
The fact of the matter is that I, happen to be quite capable of making up my own mind, of choosing for myself what's right and wrong. And personally, I don't want to run around pretending to be a oh so fucking weak person. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be pathetic, which is how I see these idiots who chase such pipe dreams as Golconda and such. When are they going to learn I don't want thier friendship, or thier false Kindred "love" or anything other then them to tell me what's going on in the world when I need to know. They don't seem to get this idea that we exist, but we are not fucking humans, and were never meant to be such.
The idea in it's self that we are such, annoys me to no end.
I'll write more later.
~D |
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| The Growing Travisty of which we now face |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|06:40 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
<Written with Politics (Camarilla) x5, Expression: Writing (Social Protocol) x5, Etiquette (Camarilla protocol) x5>
*Influential* Harpies;
Now is the time when we must show and lend our guidance to the ignorant masses amongst the Kindred. There will be those who seek to display our powers and this can not be permitted to happen further then what has already transpired. This surely will bring more attention of a negative sort upon us and as such, these actions should be harshly punished, if not by those whom would say that they are Prince's of their own domains, then surely the act falls upon us.
We can not waver in our judgments, for we know, above all, the the key to our survival is that of strength, unity and above all, a swiftness to respond. However, at this point a swift response is moot and shall lead us no where. Judgment falls surely upon all of us as we are, and our ability to stay completely hidden remains questionable. No more shall we be able to completely remain hidden, it is only by not displaying any of our abilities in public, that we can attempt to contain some anonymity. There are however, other ideas as well that I can bring to bear and mind. And while others may scoff, still, I hope, others shall listen to them at least open minded.
The best solution is never the easy road, for such roads, often are full of hidden dangers. As such, I must look towards the future and towards what we can build. I suggest perhaps, lending aid to the mortal society in which we reside, by showing gestures of goodwill and charity through our resources, and influence. We need not reveal ourselves to show such things. However, I am certain that the Clan of Kings can best organize such a daunting task and bring such to bear fruit.
The next idea is to assist in building up the cultural centers of where we reside, again, this is not something that I am strong or knowledgeable in, but surely there must be some way of doing such in a means of resources, influences and retainers. I am certain that the Clan of the Rose shall have words to muse upon this option.
Next is to assist in the current lack of proper education, provide donations, scholarships, and books where needed to the community to foster a higher education. Perhaps by educating more individuals we can perhaps divert their current attentions from us, or even direct their attentions elsewhere. This would be best met and discussed by the Clan of the Scholars.
To also encourage good health care and a pressing need for assistance in the fields of nursing, and education as well as mental health, we should donate to them. Bring them our knowledge to some degree, not upon us, but upon them, upon how to heal some of the plagues that afflict them to this I turn to the Clan of the Enlightened to assist with this need.
We need to encourage ourselves to remain hidden as well, to be able to observe to some degree without betraying more of us, least the society of Kine will panic at large, I turn to the Clan of the Hidden for their advice upon this.
Finally, I beg the Clan of the Wizards to share their knowledge of current events and history, I ask them to find a solution to this problem as it faces us all in these dark nights. They have always been a rock upon the times and as such, should be willing to openly assist all in this darkest hour of need and offer guidance and wisdom equally imparted.
By all clans standing as a united front, we can survive this, it is only through unity that we have strength, and only by the words of the Harpies that we can communicate amongst those over distance. And it will be the Harpies words that shall be heard, as the strength and unity of us all.
Dannika Tobara
The Ominous Harpy |
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| The night |
[Jun. 26th, 2004|07:07 pm] |
Dannika sits in front of her computer argueing quite passionately. Her typing speed increasing with each bit of anger she fosters in her mind until suddenly, he says something and she pauses long enough to give him a chance to respond. She looks at the words across the screen and growls slightly, reading the request that he just put forth to her and she slams her fist into the wall.
"Fuck out of everything he could have asked for, bloody hell!" Her words echo in her for once empty haven. She glares a bit more watching as the fist swells up and her anger takes hold of her. In her mind she knows she's going to have to agree to this, there is no other way to make it right. She shakes her head and sighs in fustration, typing in a single sentence, "Tell him." She looks at the other room hoping that it's not agreed to but it is and she shakes her head having just agreed to go onto his territory, his lands, to save a Nosferatu. Pondering why she is doing this.
She stares at the screen, thinking about how to get out of this, trying to find a loop hole here, knowing fully well he'd sooner kill her for her mouth then keep her alive. She growls again slightly and then sighs, giving into this strange desire of his which has been going on for months. A date? In Brazil - of all the insane things she's agreed to.....she stops her mind breifly and thinks, of ways to get out of it. Of some how, some position to get out of it. She looks at his words, and reads them, of course, he's a Tremere she'll play good little girl for once and she smiles to herself as she types in "I'll seek permission, we can go once I receive it." as she silently hopes that she never gets the permission necessary.
Shuts off the computer. And stands up streaching breifly before going into the front room and calling her guards to her, the two mastiffs are making for suitable protection she thinks, no one would ever suspect them of being my guards. She smiles slightly to herself and walks up stairs and goes to her bed room and goes to sleep.
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dannika's journal
